Dead. My second baby was dead at nine months of age. His sister was seven months old when she died. It wasn’t fair. Even though we had a healthy three-year-old, I wanted the other two as well. Why did God allowed them to die? He wasn’t fair.
I loved God and perceived Him to be good-- my Protector--but when my two children died after months of praying and believing for their healing, my faith in God was shattered. I felt unloved, punished, betrayed. But I hid it well.
Years later, my family moved to Slovenia to assist a missionary couple. Culture shock rocked my world, cracking open the tomb of putrid emotions I had buried all those years. Fear, lies, and anger all erupted to the surface dragging rejection, grief and loss with them. Severely broken, I needed help.
It took months of counseling and spiritual warfare to heal my deeply wounded heart and emotions, and to counteract the lies Satan had fed me. The biggest wound to be repaired was the severed relationship with my Father God. In time, His love and power completely removed the death in my heart and our relationship was restored. I trusted Him with my life again.
But…
My one surviving child, Michael, was now an adult, but I still felt uneasy when he became ill. It was probably a normal maternal instinct, yet I knew I was vulnerable and loss a possibility. The scars from previous pain were bumped and sensitized whenever his safety was threatened. What if something happened to him? Could I, would I, trust God with my only remaining child?
I wanted a quiet, safe life for my son. One that removed threats and kept him secure. But he and God had other plans. The day he joined the military seemed like an assault from God. "Why, when You know what I have already lost, would You lead him to join the Army and put himself into dangerous situations? Why would You threaten the safety of my only surviving child?" I knew Michael had to make his own decisions and live the life God called him to, but the day he left for boot camp, I sobbed. Was I destined to lose all of my children?
I wrestled with God once again. The Father I saw as loving and good was “threatening” me once again. Or was He? Restoration and healing had occurred after the first two losses and my faith was strong, but now it felt tested. Would I continue to trust Him no matter what came? What if Michael was deployed to a dangerous place? What if he was seriously wounded? What if he was killed? Would I still believe in God, follow Him and love Him if the most precious thing I had on earth was taken?
In the weeks that followed, I recalled stories of missionaries working in hostile foreign lands, their lives endangered. Many remained safe, but some were killed by those they brought the Gospel to. How did they reconcile this horrific pain with their faith in God? How could they hold fast to the hope of Jesus Christ when it cost them the most painful loss possible?
Then I read about a missionary in similar danger. Natives wanted to kill him and his wife. In fact, they laid in wait, ready to burn them to death in their home. But the attack never came. One year later, testimony from the native chief revealed God's supernatural protection. The now-Christian chief told the missionary of the "hundreds of big men in shining garments with drawn swords circling the mission station," which led them to cancel the attack. The missionary's angelic protection far outnumbered the natives, and they were saved. (Missionary Protected By Angels, Today in the Word, MBI, October 1991, pg. 18)
There are other stories of natives poised to kill but couldn't because of God's intervention. Some had clubs raised, ready to bash in the missionary's head when he came through a doorway, but found they were unable to lower their arms as they were held up by some invisible and inexplicable force. God's intervention. Souls came to Christ as a result.
God has ordained the number of our days of life. He created us at the time He chose, and our death will be at the time of His choosing as well. My life, my husband's life, my son's life, his family's lives--all our lives--are in God's hands. There is no force on this earth who can take life from us until He allows and ordains it to be so. Whether we are engaged in dangerous careers, driving to the grocery store, or simply sitting in our recliners, our lives can end.
What if the worst happens? Will I trust God with the most precious things I have on this earth? Or will I blame God and turn against Him, believing the lies of Satan that say God doesn't care, doesn't love me, or worse yet, is punishing and abandoning me?
What if sickness and death come? What if I am bankrupt and have nothing material left on this earth? What if I am shunned and have no friends? What if...? What will I do with God in the "what ifs" of my life?
Even if. Turning to God and trusting in Him changes everything. Loss and death are a part of this fallen world and will always be present in our lives at one time or another, in one way or another. It is unavoidable. The question is, what will we do with it? If we turn to God and bring all the pain and heartache to Him, He can take the what ifs and lead our hearts to say even if. Even if sickness and death come, even if I am bankrupt and have nothing, even if I am shunned and stand alone....even if.
Even if the worst thing I imagine happens, I will trust God. I will choose to believe His Word, His unfailing kindness, and His love for me. I will choose to believe He is watching over me and has a perfect plan for my life. His ways are beyond my understanding. He sees the whole picture, the completed tapestry. He sees and acts from the viewpoint of eternity, and I only see from this fraction of earthly time. Will I choose to trust Him completely, giving Him full control over all the areas of my life? I must if I am to find and remain in peace. I must if I truly do love and believe in Him.
Death and disaster are a painful reality in our world. They affect all of us. When the "what ifs" of life confront you, go to God and respond with "even if". Tell your own heart about God's goodness and His plan for your life. Tell your own heart the truths in His word and refute the lies of Satan that seek to drive you away from God.
"What ifs" bring doubt and fear. "Even ifs" bring hope and faith. The next time the devil whispers, "what if..." in your ear, shout back, "EVEN IF", because our God is bigger than anything that comes our way. His love is greater, His mercy and grace all encompassing. He will never leave or fail us when we trust Him with our lives. Run to Him and believe.
What an encouragement! I am sitting here in tears, realizing I have been saying “it is NOT well with my soul”! My pain and struggle have been making me angry. I love my Lord. Time to let go and trust. Thank you, Cheryl!
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