The Grief Battle

You are in a battle. No one ever talks about grief being a battle. Words, thoughts, emotions, all come in a flurry, and often at inconvenient times.  Reminders of our loved one pop up at the most unexpected times, bringing a fresh flood of emotion again.

But the battle... The battle is meant to destroy you, your family, and all you once held dear. Guilt, blame, and anger. The questions. These are the emotions of grief rarely spoken of, but they are present, and many times stronger or more prevalent than the sadness. These emotions are there. They are unavoidable. But what we do with them is where the battle begins.  

Some turn those thoughts and feelings toward another person-- perhaps a spouse or other family member who, by the way, is also hurting and dealing with his/her own emotional battle.  The statistics for divorce after the death of a child are extreme: ranging from 80-98%.

Or sometimes we turn those thoughts on ourselves, blaming ourselves, or feeling guilt for something, and its often FALSE guilt. This can result in depression.  Without help, guidance, and healing, the result can be disastrous. 

My husband and I experienced the “blame game" to a small degree, and our situation was genetic. How can you blame someone for the genes they inherited? Yet we entertained that blame. Why?

Because we want to make the pain stop. We want to have someone to blame and explain why this has happened to us. If we have a reason for it, or we can make sense of it, it feels like our pain will lessen or at the very least, divert it to someone else. If I understand it, that will make it better. It won’t. 

The feelings and emotions are real. The thoughts are real.  What we do with them is up to us.  

In the end, we find out we aren’t as strong and self-sufficient as we thought we were by ourselves, and that is absolutely okay!  We need other people to help us through the most difficult, unthinkable times of our lives. There is no shame in asking someone to help us get to the other side of our confusion and gut-wrenching grief.  We need help, and that is as it should be. And we need to go to God. Even when angry with Him. He is our ultimate source of help and healing.

My counselor once told me something that surprised me.  She said that when my kids died,

I stopped living. It seemed strange to me because I was a fully functioning nurse, wife, and mother at the time.

 But there was something inside of me that died.

My dreams of how I thought my life would play out died.  

The life I thought I deserved because I was a good little Christian girl died.
The image I had of God died.

I needed God to revive me.  I needed Him to heal my shattered heart and let Him take the

grief I carried

for years.  I needed Him to heal and restore my relationship with Him. I needed Him to help

me fully

live again. And He did all of that and more. 

***************

Grief is this giant mountain.  To get to LIFE on the other side, you have to go through it. 

You cannot avoid it by going around it.  

You can’t go over it because it’s too huge to scale. 

You can’t run away from it, because if we want to truly live again– God WANTS us to live

again–

you have to go through it.
You can’t ignore it, or stuff it and pretend it didn’t happen. That makes it take longer to even

reach the mountain, let alone go through it. (I tried that and wouldn’t recommend it)

The only way to truly be healed and get to the place of LIFE again, is through the mountain.
One day.
One step.

One breath at a time.
One tear.

One screaming, bawling, angry, raging moment at a time.

And each time we touch the pain, and allow it to be released, we are one step closer to

healing that enormous, life-changing wound in our lives.We are one step closer to winning the battle.

Are You a Mocktail Christian?

Cocktails.

Those fancy alcoholic drinks that cost an arm and a leg which may make you temporarily feel good– or not. They contain within them the power, (alcohol in this case), to change your behavior and perceptions. Having one makes you a part of that particular crowd. You are accepted in “the club” of others having cocktails.

Mocktails.
Most of us have also heard of mocktails. A fancy looking drink, also costing an arm and maybe half a leg, but without the alcohol. They lack the “power" that regular alcoholic cocktails have. They don’t lead to changes in behavior or perceptions. Drinking a mocktail in a group of cocktail drinkers enables you to still look like you fit in. You blend in with the crowd. Unless they taste your drink, or hear you order it, they won’t know it isn’t the same potent drink they are having.

Cocktails:
1. May or may not look fancy.
2. They cost a lot.
3. Projects a certain appearance.
4. Contains alcohol (the “power” of the drink) The thing that effects change; a change of behavior, thoughts, and actions.
5. Looks like you are drinking from the same source when in a group

Mocktails:
1. May or may not look fancy
2. Also cost you a lot.
3. Makes you look like the others.
4. No alcohol (NO power) to cause a true change.
5. Looks like you are drinking from the same source as those with regular cocktails, but truly you are not. You are part of the group on the surface, but underneath you really aren’t as committed.

This is an unusual comparison, for sure, but the point comes across.

Becoming a believer and follower of Jesus Christ will cost you something. It costs you everything. To be a true follower of Jesus, we are called to lay down our lives for Him and let Him guide and direct us. We no longer live for our wishes and desires, but for Him and His kingdom.
With the authentic power of Jesus inside, we do feel good. Happy! But sometimes we can feel bad– convicted–because of sin in our lives. He desires that change in us so we can become more like Him. With His help, and by His Spirit, we have the power within us to make those changes.
When we become a true Christian, we join with other believers. A fellowship of saints, saved by the blood of Jesus. We are included and accepted.

So what are mocktail Christians?

Someone who believes they are a Christian by the works they do. The number of Bible verses you read, the studies you complete, the churches you attend, the people you hang out with. But the real power to effect change…is absent.

You look like a “real” Christian, but the inner workings are lacking. The relationship with God- the ability to be changed, and to effect change, is not there. The life-changing ingredient is missing. It’s superficial Christianity. It’s religion. It’s not the true life-changing, faith-based, repentant Christianity.

If you still walk like the world, look like the world, talk like the world– you may be a mocktail Christian.

Being a mocktail Christian also costs you something. In fact, while it may cost you the same things as being an authentic Christian, it can cost you more.

Matthew 7:21 says,“Not every one who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.’ (RSV Bible)

When he says "I never knew you,” He meant He could not recognize them as true disciples, followers, and friends. Jesus is not ending a relationship with them but rather explaining how they never had a relationship with him to begin with. (1) (Emphasis mine.) These were people who on the surface seemed like other followers of Jesus. They did the spiritual things others did. They looked the part. In verse 22, they listed all the things they did in His name.

Were they good things? Yes, they were. But good things and good works will not save us.

Jesus looks at the fruit of our lives– the choices we make, the way we live–as evidence of our heart condition and what we truly believe. Doing good things, helping with Sunday school, having artwork of scripture hanging on your living room wall, going to church every week, belonging to a certain religious school, or any other outward action does not make you a Christian. Being transformed and reconciled to God through repentance and a change of heart are the only way to a true relationship with God.

We need the power of God inside of us. I don’t want to stand before the Lord one day and have Him say He never knew me in spite of all the “good” things I may have done in my life. I want to be a person who has the power of God inside me, through a relationship with Him, to bring about change in this world. How about you?




(1) What Did Jesus Mean by "Depart from Me I Never Knew You"? | Bible Study Tools

“I Know Too Much”

I’m a nurse. “I know too much.” Those words mean I have seen too many things gone wrong. “Those symptoms sound terrible; maybe even cancer.”  “Something on the CT scan doesn’t look right. I’m worried that it’s bad.”  

I recall times I commiserated with other medical practitioners about the fears I had either for myself or someone else. After hearing the symptoms, we looked at each other with a glance that said, “I know too much. It isn’t good.” We had “inside information” that others didn’t have. We had seen too many people suffer or die from things we had studied about or witnessed first hand. We saw “little things” turn into horrible things. The possibility that something “little” would in fact remain “something little,” seemed remote because in our minds we “knew too much.” It left us vulnerable to seeing only the negative side of things. 

I was jealous of those who lived in blissful ignorance because I no longer had that in my life. It was hard to face life at times after all the things I had seen. My “insider information" stole my ignorance, and with it, my innocence. “I knew too much.”

I paused the other day and thought, what if when troubles come, I confront them with a different variation of “knowing too much?” What if, as a believer in Jesus Christ, I could have “insider information” that actually led to a positive view?  

What if I studied more of the Bible’s truthful and foundational messages?
What if I spent time in prayer and fellowship with God so that my faith in Him grew? What if my personal time spent with the Lord led to such a close relationship that I trusted Him no matter what comes my way? Then, armed with that knowledge, that faith and that trust relationship, I could say:

“I know too much” of His goodness and character to doubt Him.
“I know too much” of His healing touch to fear this diagnosis. 

“I know too much” of His lovingkindness to worry about the future and what it may hold.

“I know too much” of His faithfulness to think He would ever leave me or forsake me. 

“I know too much” of the plan He has for me to prosper and not bring harm.
“I know too much” of His provision to fear times of need.

What if we spent the same amount of time pouring over and memorizing God’s word as we spend preparing for tests or exams or in researching the internet for answers to things that concern us? 

What if we so engrossed ourselves in being filled with HIS ways, HIS words, and HIS plans, that when a questionable or threatening situation came our way, we responded to it with, “I know too much!” not in a negative way, but in a way that proclaimed we KNOW our God is with us, and for us, and will never leave us or forsake us. What if we said, “I know too much of the goodness of God to let this situation defeat me, or depress me, or discourage me?”  

While it is impossible to get “too much” of God, I am challenging myself to dig deeper into the word of God, and to spend more time with Him. I want to “know too much,” or better said, “I want to know SO much” of Him, His words, His faithfulness, and His character, that I never fear anything the enemy throws at me.

How about it? Do you know God and His word well enough to say, “I know too much,” to the trials and uncertainties that seek to disquiet you?  Do you know Him so well that you can rest in any situation, trusting He is with you?

The next time something formidable comes our way, or a diagnosis is given, or something fearful comes along, let’s shout back at it– “I KNOW TOO MUCH” about my God – and see Him work His peace in our hearts and minds.

Daniel's Prayer.

 For the past couple of years, I have been writing out Scripture. It helps me focus on the Word better, and I see things I wouldn’t normally see if I just read it.

I’m currently in Daniel. As I wrote out chapter 9, I was drawn into the prayer of Daniel beginning in verse 3. Jerusalem was in desolation, destruction all around. In the midst of this, he offered up a prayer of confession and repentance, associating himself with the sins of his nation over 32 times!

We can agree our country is in a desperate need of a move of God. We say we want it. We pray for it. But when I read Daniel’s prayer, I was broken.

Verse 5 says, “We have sinned, committed iniquity, acted wickedly, and rebelled, even turning aside from Thy commandments and ordinances.”

I remembered a blog post I wrote several years ago, “Ten Little Rules.” (included below)

If we, like Daniel, want revival in our land– if we want God to move to restore righteousness and justice– we need to pray like Daniel did, identifying with the sins and transgressions of the nation. And I challenge you with this–as I challenge myself– with just one area. One step. Are you keeping the Ten Commandments? All of them? Or have we gotten to the point of complacency where it’s “okay” if we fudge a little here and there.

Think about it. Let God speak to you about it. 

If we truly want God to move in our land, we need to be serious about doing things His way. There are many “if”/ “then’s” in the Bible. God’s hand is often connected to our obedience. Are we truly willing to do that? 

Ten Little Rules

Ever had a time when God dropped something into your mind and you thought, “Oh. Okay. That was interesting. I wonder what that’s about?” I have.

One day while walking my dog, I heard God say these words: “Six days shalt thou labor.” I don’t often hear such clear, distinct directives from God, but there it was. I didn’t have to think very hard to know what He was referring to. Over the years I have allowed work, shopping, and other things to encroach on God’s Sabbath day—the one set aside as a holy day—a day of rest. And not unlike the proverbial frog dropped in a pan of cool water which was gradually heated until he was cooked, my observance of the Lord’s Day had slowly given way to shopping and “little” chores around the house, to full-fledged home projects which consumed the entire day. It had become easy to make the seventh day of the week just another day. So when I heard those words in my ear, I knew He was speaking to me.

Every day for a week I heard the same words, “Six days shalt thou labor,” and every day I began to tell God I understood and would honor the coming Sunday as a day of rest. But as each Sunday came, there were errands to run and tasks to do—especially since we had just moved into a new home that needed work. My husband worked 50+ hours a week, and we still had the other unsold home to maintain with lawn work, so his at-home work hours were very limited. How could we possibly get everything done on one weekend day? Three Sundays went by and work was done, all the while my head kept hearing those same words reverberate: “Six days shalt thou labor.”

I told God I understood, but did He? Did He know all we needed to get done with the new and the old house? Did He realize how quickly those hours of the day go by? Of course He knew all those things. Of course He knew how tired my husband was after a long, stressful week and how dividing chores over two days was better than one. But He also knew how tired and stressed my husband was, and how desperately he needed to rest body, mind, and soul. He knew how truly insignificant those “things” are that we strive to get done at the cost of our health--physical, mental, and spiritual.

Again the words came but expanded. “Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work. Honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy.”  Okay. Okay! This Sunday I won’t work, but that means I have to tell Rob not to work either. I wondered how that would be received since God didn’t tell him that.

Sunday morning came. As we walked our dog after morning coffee, Rob began to list the things he wanted to get accomplished. “Honey,” I began, “God has spoken to me for over a month saying, ‘Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work.’” Then I proceeded to tell him how we could do some minor jobs around the house if he wanted to. His response: “No way! Not after what you just said.” He almost seemed a little happy! Maybe he does need the rest—maybe he wanted the rest but felt he couldn’t ask for it.

I am not a perfect. I strive to please God, to seek forgiveness for the sins I commit and the ways I fail Him every single day. When God recently brought “six days” into my life, I realized something. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of being a Christ-follower, but then I realized I wasn’t even obeying the Ten Commandments! Ten little rules. 

Our focus tends to be on the “big ones”:  murder, committing adultery, bearing false witness. You know... the “obvious” ones; the ones easiest to avoid. But when God hit me between the eyes with commandment number four, I realized I was not as obedient as I thought. Greater conviction came when I realized I had disobeyed for years without it even really bothering me.

I wasn’t resting or honoring or keeping the Sabbath day holy as He had commanded. I could look around me and see thousands of other people doing work on Sunday and try to justify my actions, but He was speaking to my heart.

Someone recently posted a meme on Facebook which stated we have thousands of laws on the books all because we can’t obey Ten Rules on stone. A quick search led to this:

“No one knows how many laws there are in the United States.  Apparently, no one can count that high.”

“They’ve been accumulating, of course, for more than 200 years.  When federal laws were first codified in 1927, they fit into a single volume.  By the 1980s, there were 50 volumes of more than 23,000 pages.”

"New laws mean new crimes. From the start of 2000 to 2007, Congress had created at least 452 new crimes, so that at the time the total number of federal crimes exceeded 4,450." 

(Kowal Communications, Inc. Blog)

“New laws mean new crimes.” Of course. The more you make anything against the law, the more likely it is that someone will violate that law. It’s sad that we have come to this. All we had to do was follow ten little rules, but because we don’t, we now have thousands and thousands of laws in place telling us what we can and can’t do. Isn’t the root need for all these laws because we broke or ignored the original ten?

In addition, God said we needed a day to rest. He knew how crazy our world and lives would be. He knew the stress and busyness. He knew the toll it would take on health, sanity, and relationships. He knew we needed a day to simply rest. God Himself rested after He made all of creation in six days. I think it’s probably important for us, too.

But it goes beyond needing rest. In honoring the Sabbath and keeping it holy, we acknowledge who God is. It’s submission to His Lordship. He is our King and we need to honor and worship Him on the day that He Himself has established. 

Will I submit my will to Him, even when I see a huge “to do” list in front of me and have few hours to complete it? Will I recognize that worshiping and spending time with Him is more important than any earthly thing I may need to accomplish? Will I open my eyes to see that when I place Him first, He will enable me to finish the things on my list? If I spend my time resting and honoring and worshiping, my work hours will become more fruitful as He enables, and perhaps are re-prioritized to what He sees as most important. 

Since God spoke to my heart about honoring the Sabbath, my husband and I have made the effort to not work or go shopping on Sunday and it has helped us focus more on God and His word, as well as simply relax and rest. Do we still struggle? Yes, because old habits are hard to break. But God has brought to our attention our disobedience of one of God's 'ten little rules" and now we strive to align ourselves more to His will and commands.

God is always working to conform us more and more to His image. He prods and corrects us when we need it because He is a loving Father who seeks to keep us from harm and to align us with His plans and purpose. The Ten Commandments aren't restrictive, they are God's boundaries of safety and well-being. It's never too late to begin anew. I encourage you to examine your own heart to see what God may be speaking to you. 

(Originally published 6/24/2020)

I’m Sorry

As one gets older, we tend to look back and see things we wish we had done differently. Reflection can be good if it helps us live better lives here and now, but we can’t get stuck regretting past decisions or actions.

I recently thought about my parents, now deceased, who lived 300 miles away from me during my college years and after I was married and had children. It was a five to six hour one-way drive, so it wasn’t a trip we could make often. Rob and I both worked, and with babies, and later a child in school, it didn’t afford much time off.

It didn’t bother me very much that we didn’t get to visit them more than a few times a year. I was busy with my life. They came our way, too, so that helped fill in the gap, but I could tell they wished we saw them more. The invitations made over the phone, the wishful “hope to see you again soon,” as we left their house to head home; desires verbalized.  An aging parent wanting more time with the children she raised, loved, and wanted to spend time with. Time. A commodity we often take for granted.

I guess the reason I started ruminating over these visits, or the lack of them, lies in two reasons. 

First, I am now a grandma myself. I have two beautiful granddaughters I love to pieces. Their parents are pretty special, too, and there can never be enough time spent together with them. I understand much more what my mom had wished for. Secondly, Christmas is coming. I know that sounds like a huge disconnect, but Christmas is a time for family and gatherings. As I was thinking about my parents, I recalled how few times we were actually at their home, or even together, for Christmas day. Of course we celebrated on another, reasonably close day, but it wasn’t the same.

I realize how selfish I was all those years. We could have occasionally skipped the annual family gathering that was local to where we lived and drove to my parents more often– maybe every other year as work allowed. (I was a nurse so working holidays was a frequent occurrence.) I know it must have felt lonely and sad for my mom. She must have ached to have us visit more often. I feel sad for her now, and sad that I didn’t give more to her when I had the opportunity.

Life is busy and we have to share our time with all those around us; our nuclear families, extended families, and friends who all want the joy of being together with us. We all have to “give and take” because we can’t be everywhere at once. It was a fact back in my parent’s day, and it’s a fact now. 

We all long for the perfect set up. We have dreams and visions of how we would like Christmas or other holidays to be experienced, but they are dreams that dwell in a perfect, imaginary world. A world where time stands still and there are no constraints on anyone.

I looked back and saw what was. It made me sad for my mom and dad, but especially my mom because I think women have stronger emotional ties to the holidays and gatherings than men do. I just want to say, “I’m sorry, Mom. I love you so much and wish I could go back and do it better than I did. I’m sorry I made you sad. I’m sorry if you felt less important to me than you were. I’m sorry we didn’t share more special days together. I’m sorry.”

Knowing the great and loving God we serve, I have a feeling all those missed “special” days will be more than made up for when I am reunited with my mom and dad in heaven. There will be no end to the time we can spend together. No work constraints, no miles between us… forever together.

Until then, I will do my best to be there for the ones I love in the here and now whenever we can make it happen. Yes, there are still work schedules, and miles, and school, and many other things that keep us from being together as often as we’d like.

We can look back and learn from our regrets, but then we move forward, no longer stuck in the past. We then take each moment we get and make it the best we can.

Until heaven… Until we are all together forever...love.

Fear

Have you noticed that when you feel your faith is the most secure and strongest, something comes to challenge it? 

I recently spent two glorious days with Jesus in my house. Praise and worship music played continuously, and I immersed myself in His word. I felt so strong. I was a conqueror! I was on the mountain top! 

Then bam. The next day, our finances took an unexpected hit. I began to worry about how to meet these new bills. Uncertainty rapidly clouded my once sunny outlook, and a little bit of fear crept in. I tumbled down my mountaintop pretty quickly.

"What will we do?"  Suddenly, the confidence I had relished just 24 hours earlier was nowhere to be found. Wow. "Some strong Christian I am," I chastised myself. 

But the Christian walk isn't about everything being great or having no needs. It isn't about a pain-free life. It's about learning how to become more Christ-like in those moments. It's about leaning into Him more, trusting Him more. It's about depending on ourselves less and depending on Him more. 

It's during those times we grow. Priorities get straightened out; perspectives re-aligned. 

Today our world is filled with fear, both rational and irrational, realistic versus exaggerated. It infiltrates every area of our lives as the media announces new doomsday messages by the hour, and many conversations we have seem to center on events currently happening to us, or what may happen to us. Fear can easily become the focus of our lives, and when it does, it reaps its desired effect. As fear grows, it pulls our hearts and minds away from God.

Fear is a powerful tool when wielded with precision and accuracy by the enemy. It leads to doubt and lack of faith and causes us to do things we wouldn’t normally do. It reveals weak areas in our lives. 

Fear can be our spiritual Achilles' heel. 

The things our eyes and ears focus on become the center of our lives, whether uplifting, or to our detriment.

So how do we deal with fear, even when there are real, legitimate threats to our safety and sense of security? How do we push it aside and not let it infiltrate our very souls? How can we win this battle in our minds? 

Just as in any war or conflict, preparing ahead of time is key. We need to know who we are fighting against, and then how to fight.

We read in Ephesians 6, our battle is not against flesh and blood, but the rulers, authorities, the powers and spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. So, we know who we are struggling against; demonic forces sent to destroy us. The devil likes to direct our attention to the things he knows will bring doubt and fear. He likes to see us become dependent on our own strength versus God's. He knows we are weak and vulnerable to further disintegration when we turn our eyes from the Lord to ourselves. 

How do we fight in this battle? We need to be aware of the enemies tactics, and we need to be prepared to face the battles that come our way. Thankfully God has told us how to fight and win the war, and how to stand in the face of fear.

1. We need to put our spiritual armor on every day. God has provided a spiritual protection for us, but we must appropriate it. If we never put it on, we are vulnerable to attack and wounding.

2. We also need to read, study, and meditate on the word of God. When Jesus was tempted by the devil in the wilderness, He countered every single one of the devil's temptations with nothing but the powerful word of God. To do the same we have to know the Word. 

3. Don't go into battle alone. When a soldier goes to war, he doesn't go alone. Many others are with him, but they are all fighting for the same cause. We need to find out comrades in the spiritual battles we face. We need each other for support and to pray for each other. We need to fight for-- and with-- each other for heavens purposes. 

Is fear always a bad thing? Is it something we can escape from or ignore? No. Fear causes us to realize something isn't right. Maybe it's an earthly issue where safety is a concern. It leads us to find shelter or change the situation we are in.  It can also be the realization that maybe our trust in God isn't where it needs to be, or perhaps He's taking us to a deeper level of trust. Either way, it leads us to examine where we are and what is going on in our lives. 

When fear enters our hearts and minds, remember: God is greater. He is infinitely more powerful than any force of fear brought to us. He loves us, fights with us and for us, and will be with us through anything we face in this life. 

Psalm 91: 3 ... He delivers you from the snare of the trapper...

Psalm 34:4 ...I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Genesis 50:21 So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Genesis 15:1 After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.

Isaiah 41: 10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41: 13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

I John 4: 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

"Voices in the Darkness: The Problem with Depression and Suicide"

There is a war that rages between life and death in the unspoken and most concealed battlefield– the human mind. It is insidious and affects way too many lives. The war is called depression.

Suicide and depression have become too prevalent in our society. While a social stigma is still attached to mental illness, there is an awakening for the need to hear and understand those suffering from it.

We need to get inside and strive to understand what happens– or what is happening– to a person experiencing depression.

I hope you find it a privilege if someone considers you a “safe” enough person to share their battle with you. You may be the one person who saves their life.

**************************************************

“Committing suicide is the most selfish act there is.”

“The person with depression is just feeling sorry for himself.”

“Suicide doesn’t take your pain away; it just gives it to someone else.”

“Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it.”

We have all heard these or similar statements regarding depression and suicide. Many believe them to be true, and I used to be one of them, until I suffered severe, clinical depression myself. That’s when my “education” into mental health and illness truly began.

Granted, mental illness is hard to understand, both for the one suffering with it, and their family and friends. Our bodies aren’t broken or bandaged or hooked up to sophisticated medical equipment; there are no printouts of abnormal test results, and no images of some invading tumor. All “looks” normal to the medical teams and our surrounding family. Yet something is seriously wrong.

So, what are the common responses a depressed person receives?

“It’s all in your head…”

“Just think about happy things…”

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself…”

“Go DO something…”

“Just get over it!”

The result: a person’s sincere, profound agony is dismissed and denied. The person is made to feel guilty for not being able to “get over it,” and feels blamed for causing others to feel bad. There is a sense of rejection and failure. Because I cannot make it better– because I am ill– I am made to feel guilty because you can’t handle my pain.

In one breath we tell the depressed, suicidal person that they are being utterly selfish in their thoughts and possible intents, but in reality, saying “suicide doesn’t take your pain away, it gives it to someone else,” reflects the selfishness on the part of the one saying it. They don’t want to feel the pain of the loss of a loved one should their suicide be successful; or maybe they are embarrassed by the depressed person, or they simply don’t know what to do to help so they want it all to go away. But the above quote about “pain shifting” promotes feelings of guilt along with a sense of responsibility for another’s displeasure or discomfort. The one already suffering now has an additional burden– an added “failure” – to a mind that is already hanging by a thread.

In an attempt to try and divert someone’s suicide, it may in fact push them closer to it.

My personal experience with depression came quickly and very much unexpectedly. My husband, son and I were living in Europe as missionaries at the time, and the effects of culture shock threw me to the ground in a severe mental crash. In my specific case, unresolved, suppressed grief over the deaths of two of my children suddenly began to surface. What had once been hidden– even from me– became known and demanded to be addressed. I couldn’t think straight, became unwilling to go out or interact with others, lost drastic amounts of weight due to anorexia, and simply lost all hope.

The spiritual and mental battle I went through was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Torturous thoughts of rejection, grief, guilt, and unfounded shame all played in my mind and dreams daily. The pain of it all became so intense I didn’t care if I died, and I began to entertain how I would kill myself. I visualized slashing my wrists, stabbing myself in the chest, and driving my car off cliffs. I wanted to be free from the torment, but there seemed to be no way out. My only salvation was my love for my husband and son. I couldn’t do it to them. Selfish would have said, “Who cares about you?”, and proceeded to kill myself, but my thoughts were on them.

Sadly, many people do not come from loving, strongly committed families. There may be abandonment, rejection, abuse, or anger issues, so saving oneself to spare family members pain may not even play a role in their minds. That safety net is not there.

We all have a role in helping someone who is struggling with depression or suicidal ideologies. You may be the reason a person decides to not take their own life. You may be the lifeline that saves them.

The following is a chart I made based on things I see. Some may be inaccurate, but overall, it seems quite true to me.

Comparison: Physical Illness, Mental Illness

Patient 1: Terminally ill cancer patient.

-severe physical pain

-many treatment options offered to provide comfort and hope of cure

-no shameful stigma

-insurance covers many treatments

-provided for, cared for, embraced by others

-cannot heal themselves

-did not ask to become ill

Patient 2: Severely depressed patient

-severe mental pain

-treatment offered is often pills, or perhaps counseling, if it can be obtained. Many insurances don’t cover it, plus there is the stigma of “needing” counseling which causes many to refuse it.

-health insurance and life insurance costs go up 50% over the next 7 years. (at least ours did. I do not have current figures on this)

-shameful stigma

-ostracized, or made to feel guilty by others for being depressed

-cannot heal themselves

-did not ask to become ill

Both of the above persons are ill, both in need of treatment and help. Yet there is a remarkable difference in how they are responded to. This should not be.

We all have a role in helping someone who is struggling with depression or suicidal ideologies. You may be the reason a person decides to not take their own life. You may be the lifeline that saves them.