As one gets older, we tend to look back and see things we wish we had done differently. Reflection can be good if it helps us live better lives here and now, but we can’t get stuck regretting past decisions or actions.
I recently thought about my parents, now deceased, who lived 300 miles away from me during my college years and after I was married and had children. It was a five to six hour one-way drive, so it wasn’t a trip we could make often. Rob and I both worked, and with babies, and later a child in school, it didn’t afford much time off.
It didn’t bother me very much that we didn’t get to visit them more than a few times a year. I was busy with my life. They came our way, too, so that helped fill in the gap, but I could tell they wished we saw them more. The invitations made over the phone, the wishful “hope to see you again soon,” as we left their house to head home; desires verbalized. An aging parent wanting more time with the children she raised, loved, and wanted to spend time with. Time. A commodity we often take for granted.
I guess the reason I started ruminating over these visits, or the lack of them, lies in two reasons.
First, I am now a grandma myself. I have two beautiful granddaughters I love to pieces. Their parents are pretty special, too, and there can never be enough time spent together with them. I understand much more what my mom had wished for. Secondly, Christmas is coming. I know that sounds like a huge disconnect, but Christmas is a time for family and gatherings. As I was thinking about my parents, I recalled how few times we were actually at their home, or even together, for Christmas day. Of course we celebrated on another, reasonably close day, but it wasn’t the same.
I realize how selfish I was all those years. We could have occasionally skipped the annual family gathering that was local to where we lived and drove to my parents more often– maybe every other year as work allowed. (I was a nurse so working holidays was a frequent occurrence.) I know it must have felt lonely and sad for my mom. She must have ached to have us visit more often. I feel sad for her now, and sad that I didn’t give more to her when I had the opportunity.
Life is busy and we have to share our time with all those around us; our nuclear families, extended families, and friends who all want the joy of being together with us. We all have to “give and take” because we can’t be everywhere at once. It was a fact back in my parent’s day, and it’s a fact now.
We all long for the perfect set up. We have dreams and visions of how we would like Christmas or other holidays to be experienced, but they are dreams that dwell in a perfect, imaginary world. A world where time stands still and there are no constraints on anyone.
I looked back and saw what was. It made me sad for my mom and dad, but especially my mom because I think women have stronger emotional ties to the holidays and gatherings than men do. I just want to say, “I’m sorry, Mom. I love you so much and wish I could go back and do it better than I did. I’m sorry I made you sad. I’m sorry if you felt less important to me than you were. I’m sorry we didn’t share more special days together. I’m sorry.”
Knowing the great and loving God we serve, I have a feeling all those missed “special” days will be more than made up for when I am reunited with my mom and dad in heaven. There will be no end to the time we can spend together. No work constraints, no miles between us… forever together.
Until then, I will do my best to be there for the ones I love in the here and now whenever we can make it happen. Yes, there are still work schedules, and miles, and school, and many other things that keep us from being together as often as we’d like.
Until heaven… Until we are all together forever...love.
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