The Grief Battle

You are in a battle. No one ever talks about grief being a battle. Words, thoughts, emotions, all come in a flurry, and often at inconvenient times.  Reminders of our loved one pop up at the most unexpected times, bringing a fresh flood of emotion again.

But the battle... The battle is meant to destroy you, your family, and all you once held dear. Guilt, blame, and anger. The questions. These are the emotions of grief rarely spoken of, but they are present, and many times stronger or more prevalent than the sadness. These emotions are there. They are unavoidable. But what we do with them is where the battle begins.  

Some turn those thoughts and feelings toward another person-- perhaps a spouse or other family member who, by the way, is also hurting and dealing with his/her own emotional battle.  The statistics for divorce after the death of a child are extreme: ranging from 80-98%.

Or sometimes we turn those thoughts on ourselves, blaming ourselves, or feeling guilt for something, and its often FALSE guilt. This can result in depression.  Without help, guidance, and healing, the result can be disastrous. 

My husband and I experienced the “blame game" to a small degree, and our situation was genetic. How can you blame someone for the genes they inherited? Yet we entertained that blame. Why?

Because we want to make the pain stop. We want to have someone to blame and explain why this has happened to us. If we have a reason for it, or we can make sense of it, it feels like our pain will lessen or at the very least, divert it to someone else. If I understand it, that will make it better. It won’t. 

The feelings and emotions are real. The thoughts are real.  What we do with them is up to us.  

In the end, we find out we aren’t as strong and self-sufficient as we thought we were by ourselves, and that is absolutely okay!  We need other people to help us through the most difficult, unthinkable times of our lives. There is no shame in asking someone to help us get to the other side of our confusion and gut-wrenching grief.  We need help, and that is as it should be. And we need to go to God. Even when angry with Him. He is our ultimate source of help and healing.

My counselor once told me something that surprised me.  She said that when my kids died,

I stopped living. It seemed strange to me because I was a fully functioning nurse, wife, and mother at the time.

 But there was something inside of me that died.

My dreams of how I thought my life would play out died.  

The life I thought I deserved because I was a good little Christian girl died.
The image I had of God died.

I needed God to revive me.  I needed Him to heal my shattered heart and let Him take the

grief I carried

for years.  I needed Him to heal and restore my relationship with Him. I needed Him to help

me fully

live again. And He did all of that and more. 

***************

Grief is this giant mountain.  To get to LIFE on the other side, you have to go through it. 

You cannot avoid it by going around it.  

You can’t go over it because it’s too huge to scale. 

You can’t run away from it, because if we want to truly live again– God WANTS us to live

again–

you have to go through it.
You can’t ignore it, or stuff it and pretend it didn’t happen. That makes it take longer to even

reach the mountain, let alone go through it. (I tried that and wouldn’t recommend it)

The only way to truly be healed and get to the place of LIFE again, is through the mountain.
One day.
One step.

One breath at a time.
One tear.

One screaming, bawling, angry, raging moment at a time.

And each time we touch the pain, and allow it to be released, we are one step closer to

healing that enormous, life-changing wound in our lives.We are one step closer to winning the battle.