The Grief Battle

You are in a battle. No one ever talks about grief being a battle. Words, thoughts, emotions, all come in a flurry, and often at inconvenient times.  Reminders of our loved one pop up at the most unexpected times, bringing a fresh flood of emotion again.

But the battle... The battle is meant to destroy you, your family, and all you once held dear. Guilt, blame, and anger. The questions. These are the emotions of grief rarely spoken of, but they are present, and many times stronger or more prevalent than the sadness. These emotions are there. They are unavoidable. But what we do with them is where the battle begins.  

Some turn those thoughts and feelings toward another person-- perhaps a spouse or other family member who, by the way, is also hurting and dealing with his/her own emotional battle.  The statistics for divorce after the death of a child are extreme: ranging from 80-98%.

Or sometimes we turn those thoughts on ourselves, blaming ourselves, or feeling guilt for something, and its often FALSE guilt. This can result in depression.  Without help, guidance, and healing, the result can be disastrous. 

My husband and I experienced the “blame game" to a small degree, and our situation was genetic. How can you blame someone for the genes they inherited? Yet we entertained that blame. Why?

Because we want to make the pain stop. We want to have someone to blame and explain why this has happened to us. If we have a reason for it, or we can make sense of it, it feels like our pain will lessen or at the very least, divert it to someone else. If I understand it, that will make it better. It won’t. 

The feelings and emotions are real. The thoughts are real.  What we do with them is up to us.  

In the end, we find out we aren’t as strong and self-sufficient as we thought we were by ourselves, and that is absolutely okay!  We need other people to help us through the most difficult, unthinkable times of our lives. There is no shame in asking someone to help us get to the other side of our confusion and gut-wrenching grief.  We need help, and that is as it should be. And we need to go to God. Even when angry with Him. He is our ultimate source of help and healing.

My counselor once told me something that surprised me.  She said that when my kids died,

I stopped living. It seemed strange to me because I was a fully functioning nurse, wife, and mother at the time.

 But there was something inside of me that died.

My dreams of how I thought my life would play out died.  

The life I thought I deserved because I was a good little Christian girl died.
The image I had of God died.

I needed God to revive me.  I needed Him to heal my shattered heart and let Him take the

grief I carried

for years.  I needed Him to heal and restore my relationship with Him. I needed Him to help

me fully

live again. And He did all of that and more. 

***************

Grief is this giant mountain.  To get to LIFE on the other side, you have to go through it. 

You cannot avoid it by going around it.  

You can’t go over it because it’s too huge to scale. 

You can’t run away from it, because if we want to truly live again– God WANTS us to live

again–

you have to go through it.
You can’t ignore it, or stuff it and pretend it didn’t happen. That makes it take longer to even

reach the mountain, let alone go through it. (I tried that and wouldn’t recommend it)

The only way to truly be healed and get to the place of LIFE again, is through the mountain.
One day.
One step.

One breath at a time.
One tear.

One screaming, bawling, angry, raging moment at a time.

And each time we touch the pain, and allow it to be released, we are one step closer to

healing that enormous, life-changing wound in our lives.We are one step closer to winning the battle.

Are You a Mocktail Christian?

Cocktails.

Those fancy alcoholic drinks that cost an arm and a leg which may make you temporarily feel good– or not. They contain within them the power, (alcohol in this case), to change your behavior and perceptions. Having one makes you a part of that particular crowd. You are accepted in “the club” of others having cocktails.

Mocktails.
Most of us have also heard of mocktails. A fancy looking drink, also costing an arm and maybe half a leg, but without the alcohol. They lack the “power" that regular alcoholic cocktails have. They don’t lead to changes in behavior or perceptions. Drinking a mocktail in a group of cocktail drinkers enables you to still look like you fit in. You blend in with the crowd. Unless they taste your drink, or hear you order it, they won’t know it isn’t the same potent drink they are having.

Cocktails:
1. May or may not look fancy.
2. They cost a lot.
3. Projects a certain appearance.
4. Contains alcohol (the “power” of the drink) The thing that effects change; a change of behavior, thoughts, and actions.
5. Looks like you are drinking from the same source when in a group

Mocktails:
1. May or may not look fancy
2. Also cost you a lot.
3. Makes you look like the others.
4. No alcohol (NO power) to cause a true change.
5. Looks like you are drinking from the same source as those with regular cocktails, but truly you are not. You are part of the group on the surface, but underneath you really aren’t as committed.

This is an unusual comparison, for sure, but the point comes across.

Becoming a believer and follower of Jesus Christ will cost you something. It costs you everything. To be a true follower of Jesus, we are called to lay down our lives for Him and let Him guide and direct us. We no longer live for our wishes and desires, but for Him and His kingdom.
With the authentic power of Jesus inside, we do feel good. Happy! But sometimes we can feel bad– convicted–because of sin in our lives. He desires that change in us so we can become more like Him. With His help, and by His Spirit, we have the power within us to make those changes.
When we become a true Christian, we join with other believers. A fellowship of saints, saved by the blood of Jesus. We are included and accepted.

So what are mocktail Christians?

Someone who believes they are a Christian by the works they do. The number of Bible verses you read, the studies you complete, the churches you attend, the people you hang out with. But the real power to effect change…is absent.

You look like a “real” Christian, but the inner workings are lacking. The relationship with God- the ability to be changed, and to effect change, is not there. The life-changing ingredient is missing. It’s superficial Christianity. It’s religion. It’s not the true life-changing, faith-based, repentant Christianity.

If you still walk like the world, look like the world, talk like the world– you may be a mocktail Christian.

Being a mocktail Christian also costs you something. In fact, while it may cost you the same things as being an authentic Christian, it can cost you more.

Matthew 7:21 says,“Not every one who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.’ (RSV Bible)

When he says "I never knew you,” He meant He could not recognize them as true disciples, followers, and friends. Jesus is not ending a relationship with them but rather explaining how they never had a relationship with him to begin with. (1) (Emphasis mine.) These were people who on the surface seemed like other followers of Jesus. They did the spiritual things others did. They looked the part. In verse 22, they listed all the things they did in His name.

Were they good things? Yes, they were. But good things and good works will not save us.

Jesus looks at the fruit of our lives– the choices we make, the way we live–as evidence of our heart condition and what we truly believe. Doing good things, helping with Sunday school, having artwork of scripture hanging on your living room wall, going to church every week, belonging to a certain religious school, or any other outward action does not make you a Christian. Being transformed and reconciled to God through repentance and a change of heart are the only way to a true relationship with God.

We need the power of God inside of us. I don’t want to stand before the Lord one day and have Him say He never knew me in spite of all the “good” things I may have done in my life. I want to be a person who has the power of God inside me, through a relationship with Him, to bring about change in this world. How about you?




(1) What Did Jesus Mean by "Depart from Me I Never Knew You"? | Bible Study Tools

“I Know Too Much”

I’m a nurse. “I know too much.” Those words mean I have seen too many things gone wrong. “Those symptoms sound terrible; maybe even cancer.”  “Something on the CT scan doesn’t look right. I’m worried that it’s bad.”  

I recall times I commiserated with other medical practitioners about the fears I had either for myself or someone else. After hearing the symptoms, we looked at each other with a glance that said, “I know too much. It isn’t good.” We had “inside information” that others didn’t have. We had seen too many people suffer or die from things we had studied about or witnessed first hand. We saw “little things” turn into horrible things. The possibility that something “little” would in fact remain “something little,” seemed remote because in our minds we “knew too much.” It left us vulnerable to seeing only the negative side of things. 

I was jealous of those who lived in blissful ignorance because I no longer had that in my life. It was hard to face life at times after all the things I had seen. My “insider information" stole my ignorance, and with it, my innocence. “I knew too much.”

I paused the other day and thought, what if when troubles come, I confront them with a different variation of “knowing too much?” What if, as a believer in Jesus Christ, I could have “insider information” that actually led to a positive view?  

What if I studied more of the Bible’s truthful and foundational messages?
What if I spent time in prayer and fellowship with God so that my faith in Him grew? What if my personal time spent with the Lord led to such a close relationship that I trusted Him no matter what comes my way? Then, armed with that knowledge, that faith and that trust relationship, I could say:

“I know too much” of His goodness and character to doubt Him.
“I know too much” of His healing touch to fear this diagnosis. 

“I know too much” of His lovingkindness to worry about the future and what it may hold.

“I know too much” of His faithfulness to think He would ever leave me or forsake me. 

“I know too much” of the plan He has for me to prosper and not bring harm.
“I know too much” of His provision to fear times of need.

What if we spent the same amount of time pouring over and memorizing God’s word as we spend preparing for tests or exams or in researching the internet for answers to things that concern us? 

What if we so engrossed ourselves in being filled with HIS ways, HIS words, and HIS plans, that when a questionable or threatening situation came our way, we responded to it with, “I know too much!” not in a negative way, but in a way that proclaimed we KNOW our God is with us, and for us, and will never leave us or forsake us. What if we said, “I know too much of the goodness of God to let this situation defeat me, or depress me, or discourage me?”  

While it is impossible to get “too much” of God, I am challenging myself to dig deeper into the word of God, and to spend more time with Him. I want to “know too much,” or better said, “I want to know SO much” of Him, His words, His faithfulness, and His character, that I never fear anything the enemy throws at me.

How about it? Do you know God and His word well enough to say, “I know too much,” to the trials and uncertainties that seek to disquiet you?  Do you know Him so well that you can rest in any situation, trusting He is with you?

The next time something formidable comes our way, or a diagnosis is given, or something fearful comes along, let’s shout back at it– “I KNOW TOO MUCH” about my God – and see Him work His peace in our hearts and minds.