There is a war that rages between life and death in the unspoken and most concealed battlefield– the human mind. It is insidious and affects way too many lives. The war is called depression.
Suicide and depression have become too prevalent in our society. While a social stigma is still attached to mental illness, there is an awakening for the need to hear and understand those suffering from it.
We need to get inside and strive to understand what happens– or what is happening– to a person experiencing depression.
I hope you find it a privilege if someone considers you a “safe” enough person to share their battle with you. You may be the one person who saves their life.
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“Committing suicide is the most selfish act there is.”
“The person with depression is just feeling sorry for himself.”
“Suicide doesn’t take your pain away; it just gives it to someone else.”
“Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get over it.”
We have all heard these or similar statements regarding depression and suicide. Many believe them to be true, and I used to be one of them, until I suffered severe, clinical depression myself. That’s when my “education” into mental health and illness truly began.
Granted, mental illness is hard to understand, both for the one suffering with it, and their family and friends. Our bodies aren’t broken or bandaged or hooked up to sophisticated medical equipment; there are no printouts of abnormal test results, and no images of some invading tumor. All “looks” normal to the medical teams and our surrounding family. Yet something is seriously wrong.
So, what are the common responses a depressed person receives?
“It’s all in your head…”
“Just think about happy things…”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself…”
“Go DO something…”
“Just get over it!”
The result: a person’s sincere, profound agony is dismissed and denied. The person is made to feel guilty for not being able to “get over it,” and feels blamed for causing others to feel bad. There is a sense of rejection and failure. Because I cannot make it better– because I am ill– I am made to feel guilty because you can’t handle my pain.
In one breath we tell the depressed, suicidal person that they are being utterly selfish in their thoughts and possible intents, but in reality, saying “suicide doesn’t take your pain away, it gives it to someone else,” reflects the selfishness on the part of the one saying it. They don’t want to feel the pain of the loss of a loved one should their suicide be successful; or maybe they are embarrassed by the depressed person, or they simply don’t know what to do to help so they want it all to go away. But the above quote about “pain shifting” promotes feelings of guilt along with a sense of responsibility for another’s displeasure or discomfort. The one already suffering now has an additional burden– an added “failure” – to a mind that is already hanging by a thread.
In an attempt to try and divert someone’s suicide, it may in fact push them closer to it.
My personal experience with depression came quickly and very much unexpectedly. My husband, son and I were living in Europe as missionaries at the time, and the effects of culture shock threw me to the ground in a severe mental crash. In my specific case, unresolved, suppressed grief over the deaths of two of my children suddenly began to surface. What had once been hidden– even from me– became known and demanded to be addressed. I couldn’t think straight, became unwilling to go out or interact with others, lost drastic amounts of weight due to anorexia, and simply lost all hope.
The spiritual and mental battle I went through was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Torturous thoughts of rejection, grief, guilt, and unfounded shame all played in my mind and dreams daily. The pain of it all became so intense I didn’t care if I died, and I began to entertain how I would kill myself. I visualized slashing my wrists, stabbing myself in the chest, and driving my car off cliffs. I wanted to be free from the torment, but there seemed to be no way out. My only salvation was my love for my husband and son. I couldn’t do it to them. Selfish would have said, “Who cares about you?”, and proceeded to kill myself, but my thoughts were on them.
Sadly, many people do not come from loving, strongly committed families. There may be abandonment, rejection, abuse, or anger issues, so saving oneself to spare family members pain may not even play a role in their minds. That safety net is not there.
We all have a role in helping someone who is struggling with depression or suicidal ideologies. You may be the reason a person decides to not take their own life. You may be the lifeline that saves them.
The following is a chart I made based on things I see. Some may be inaccurate, but overall, it seems quite true to me.
Comparison: Physical Illness, Mental Illness
Patient 1: Terminally ill cancer patient.
-severe physical pain
-many treatment options offered to provide comfort and hope of cure
-no shameful stigma
-insurance covers many treatments
-provided for, cared for, embraced by others
-cannot heal themselves
-did not ask to become ill
Patient 2: Severely depressed patient
-severe mental pain
-treatment offered is often pills, or perhaps counseling, if it can be obtained. Many insurances don’t cover it, plus there is the stigma of “needing” counseling which causes many to refuse it.
-health insurance and life insurance costs go up 50% over the next 7 years. (at least ours did. I do not have current figures on this)
-shameful stigma
-ostracized, or made to feel guilty by others for being depressed
-cannot heal themselves
-did not ask to become ill
Both of the above persons are ill, both in need of treatment and help. Yet there is a remarkable difference in how they are responded to. This should not be.
We all have a role in helping someone who is struggling with depression or suicidal ideologies. You may be the reason a person decides to not take their own life. You may be the lifeline that saves them.
